14
Thursday August 10th 2006, 8:49 am
Filed under: All Letters,Hate Letters

M,

I feel ill. My stomach burns and my head is spinning. I canít tell whether or not these terrible feelings are from not eating or from my psychosis. This depression is devastating. When I see my reflection in the mirror, Iím shocked at who Iíve become. My face has become a wretched site as I cannot smile and I cannot look excited about life. Iíve been drained of something lovely. I am the antithesis of Love. How can I expect to get my life back together when I look the way I do? My eyes are swollen and empty. My cheekbones press firmly against my skin. I lose myself when I stare into the void that is my essence. ďWhere did Chris go?Ē I wonder. Outside seems scary to me. Itís hard for me to leave the house. Maybe Iím terrified of all the possibilities of death that waits for me outside. When I step outside for a smoke, I tremble with fear. This is in such stark contrast to how well I was doing a week ago. All I want to do is lay in bed with the covers over my head. But even when I do that I feel dizzy and deserted. Iím feeling so self-destructive today. I think itís best for me not to go anywhere. Fuck, I can barely get out of this chair in which Iím sitting, let alone leave the house. Iím hoping these destitute feelings will dissipate eventually. I need a friend to come over and hug me. At least you have that. All of your friends would gladly hug you; they would gladly fuck you too. Hell, what are friends for if not a good fuck? Iím hurting so badly right now. Numbness would be a blessing. I think I am going to try to lie down for a while. Hopefully my stomach will stop burning by the time I get back up. I feel disconnected from my body. My feet seem so far way from my thoughts that I practically donít even own them. These are such dark times for me. Even though the sun is shining so vividly I do not see its light. You have no idea how hard this is for me. I doubt youíll ever know.

ĖC.D.

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