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Friday August 18th 2006, 8:44 pm
Filed under: All Letters,Love Letters

My soon to be ex-wife,

Oh my dearest memory. I was bicycling down Valencia Street when I happened across Konaniís work. I didnít know he worked at that specific Buffalo Exchange. When I saw his presence through the window, I had to stop riding to contemplate my emotions (and of course, you realize he was the other body in your scandalous Myspace photos). Although I later came to realize those pictures were strictly platonic, even though the poses were quite suggestive, they still hurt me dearly. My dear, I happened to have a squirt gun on me at the time of this instance, so I decided to, in jest, approach this unsuspecting boy and tell him how much those photos hurt me. ďHello Konani. I want you to know I was hurt by the photos form your vodka-birthday experience with my wife. Iím sorry but I have to do this.Ē I squirted his heart five times with my water pistol. He seemed to find the humor in all this, however, my perception must have been skewed. He called you, in a panic, telling you I shot him, blah blah blah. In response, you called me, hysterical, saying I was a psychopath and a ďfucking insane loserĒ. I tried to tell you it was all a joke, a way for me to make light of the situation. You didnít want to hear any of this. You called the cops, and are filing a restraining order on me. You told me you would kick my ass if you ever see me, and to never come near you again (not like I was planning to go near you). You told me to send you the divorce papers in the mail and that you would take care of the rest. I did, however, return to Konaniís work to contextualize my actions, and to apologize for any inconvenience I may have caused him from those actions. I didnít remember that his father was shot in the chest, mutilated and left for dead. I didnít think my joke would be so terrible to him. Youíve told me to never talk to you or your friends again. I will respect your wishes and respect my new restraining order. I guess, what Iím trying to say is, Iím sorry, but I donít regret my actions. You and I will never converse again, except through these letters, but I wish you well in all your adventures. I donít expect anything in return.

With love Ė your soon to be ex-husband.

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