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Friday September 01st 2006, 12:08 am
Filed under: All Letters,Love Letters

The darker side of me,

Today I dropped a letter off to my violin teacher. I wrote that, “things have surged between my ex-wife and I have to leave town. Therefore, I will not be able to take violin lessons from you anymore.” I apologized for the inconvenience, but reminded him that these defining aspects of my life are beyond my control. I sincerely regret not being able to continue my lessons; I had just learned how to play “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” You gave me this violin on my second visit to you in San Jose. I was shocked by this wonderful gift you presented me and couldn’t wait to learn how to play. I always dreamed of being an elderly gentleman, playing the violin in my lonely old age. You never explained why you got the violin for me, you only smiled and told me “I remember you saying you wanted to play.” I was so in Love with you dear, as you were with me. Right now I’m sad, but that’s not new I suppose. I started taking violin lesions as soon as we separated. The violin just sat in the corner of the apartment while we were together. I wanted to use the violin as a release for my pain and anguish, but learning the violin is no easy task. I had to condition my fingers to bow correctly, to bend my wrist in ways it had never been bent before. Gerard, my instructor, would yell at me to correct my thumb position, my pinky position, to clip my nails, to practice more. I enjoyed his company. Maybe I just missed a pedagogical learning environment. It’s nice to hear people critique me. I’m not afraid of critique and constructive criticism. However, it’s when people call me unjustified names that I become upset and thrown out of balance. For example, when I’m called an “insane psychopath”, when I consider what malicious intentions are behind such draconian words. If I hadn’t squirted your friend with a water gun, I would be reciting “Twinkle Twinkle” to you as I promised you I would. When I told you that I learned to play my first song, a sense of pride swelled in you, and you requested that my first recital be in your presence, because after all you were the one who brought me the violin in the first place. However, this recital will never happen. Who knows, I may try to continue to play in Los Angeles when I can afford lessons again, but for now, all I can do is bow out “Twinkle Twinkle,” and a few scales. I always wondered if you wanted me to learn an instrument because of your love for Justin’s ability to be multi-versed in the musical world. I thought you may have been recreating your past love through me, but I never mentioned this curiosity to you out of sheer respect of the gift you gave me. I do thank you for the violin.

-The lighter side of me.

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