53
Thursday February 01st 2007, 3:33 am
Filed under: All Letters,Love Letters

To the Mindy,

You had me. We had each other. I do understand Mindy. I understand that I was not good enough for you. I understand that I make mistakes. I understand that I fucked up our marriage because you went out that night and I thought it was the death of us. I understand that you did not want me to be perfect, to be myself. I understand that I tried to hold myself together, and failed. I understand that you needed space. I understand that you feel completely alone, but you are not. I understand that I would have traveled across the globe to help comfort you. I understand that is not what you wanted. I understand that you feel you can no longer trust me. I understand these things. Now, you Mindy, understand this: I loved you. That letter was my fears. How can you not understand? Can’t you understand how fucked up I was? Can’t you understand what you really meant and mean to me? There was never ANY lack of love for you. I married you because I loved you so dearly. I came home that night furious because I thought you said you were lying to me the whole time about our entire love. THE WHOLE TIME! You told me you were only what I wanted you to be, the same thing you did to Justin, and nothing more. Everything that we shared fell to pieces in my mind. Moreover, you wanted to hold me? To comfort a bleeding brain? I couldn’t even look at you it hurt so badly. My life exploded. I’m not an angry evil person. I’m a good person. A loving and caring person. I hurt so badly. Death seemed like a honor at that time. You don’t understand this. And don’t you make me feel guilty for collapsing. I can’t slap on a fake smile. My body crumbled. If there is no trust anymore, how can I trust you? God damn-it Mindy. You are not allowed to hold this grudge against me. And you expect us to be friends? You can’t trust me, so how can we? You could check my email everyday for the rest of my life and you would NEVER find those words written ever again. However, that doesn’t matter to you. So, Mindy, now we understand each other. You can’t loose what you’re trying to salvage in your life. You can’t forgive me for not being perfect. You can’t trust me. You feel like I lied, when all I was, was just as confused as you were. And I cannot cope with this. I cannot be your friend when all I want to do is hold you. I cannot live with the torment. I cannot tell you how I feel, because you’ll shrug it off as if it means nothing so that you can feel better throughout your day. I love you Mindy. And you accuse me of hating you? It seems you are the one who hates me. You certainly don’t love me, and I doubt you even like me. Maybe one day you will forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made. But for now, walk away. We’ll both turn our backs. Remember, it’s easier to forget than it is to forgive. So lets take the easy route. Why the hell not? It’s not as if you’ll ever trust me again.
Sincerely yours.

-C

Comments Off on 53