Friday March 02nd 2007, 5:18 am
Filed under: All Letters,Love Letters

To the emotional upheaval,

I constantly think about the smile your face extends towards my suffering. And although you don’t know how intense my suffering is, somehow I imagine you spitefully enjoying my pain and agony. It’s been over three months since we separated, yet my emotions are still saturated with sadness. Each day something reminds me of a lost love and subsequently my state of being declines further into a dark void. When I look at myself in the mirror, a retched disgust overpowers my thoughts and I almost vomit. This self-loathing affects not only my private reflection, but my social interactions as well. There have been times when I feel so out of control, I can’t even leave the house. Suppressing these terrible thoughts is the only way to save myself, though why do I feel the need to be saved? As I was driving home from the art store, I had a vision of you lying on our new bed with your ex-fiance’. Neither of you were wearing clothes; only using one another for cover from the cold. Caressing each other, softly yet without restraint, you two were giggling, reminiscing over the past instances that brought you to the point you are at now, enjoying the comfort of your domestic San Francisco apartment. This image, which struck me as repulsive and vile, soon faded away like the sun that was setting before me. Those two nude lovers were soon supplanted with a new vision of me, in pain and drunk, trying to pull myself off of the street pavement. My skin had abrasions covering my torso and my front tooth was missing. I could literally smell the stench of urine emanating from my pants. As I focused on this premonition, a swelling of sadness erupted within me. I wanted to cry today, but I didn’t even have the courage to do that. With my head spinning and my thoughts in conflict with one another, I pulled off the freeway to have a moment of silence for this terrible vision. I cursed your name twice as I pulled back onto the freeway. It doesn’t matter how true or untrue these apparitions are. What matters is that they vividly affect my day-to-day life. When I meet up with old friends and they ask me why I moved back to LA, I gently explain to them that my marriage just didn’t work out. Some of them are shocked to even hear that I got married in the first place. I re-live our love through the stories I tell to people, however no one dares ask about us. It’s too sensitive a subject I suppose. And so, I re-live our breakup more often than I re-live our love, because the break-up is the most pertinent part of our story right now. Hopefully someday I will be able to look back at our situation and say “Yeah, that was fun! (Like you said on the last day we saw each other). However at the present moment, I can only see darkness, an abysmal state of despair. Fuck! You were so special to me Mindy. I still have a hard time accepting the reality of our relationship, which is to say, the nothingness that I have become to you. We haven’t spoken to one another in weeks, which feels like years, however, I haven’t called you, not because I don’t still love you, but because I’m so afraid of what you have become. The thought of your voice telling me tales of your new loves, or how great your days are, make me wince in emotional pain. Yet these thoughts of your current existence are what keep me alive (I know this seems contradictory. Let me explain.) I want to succeed and better myself, thus proving to you that I’m not the evil psycho you thought me be. Although I don’t want to prove this new me� to get back with you, but merely to reestablish my sanity’s standing with you. I’m not comfortable thinking about your hatred for me.


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